


Andante, Andante

by blu_eyed_demon



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Abusive Father, Comfort, Coming Out, Don’t copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Homophobic Abuse, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 14:13:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17367368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blu_eyed_demon/pseuds/blu_eyed_demon
Summary: Post 18.11 Great Expectations.If Barba had been present to hear Carisi's admission of childhood bullying and trauma and tried to comfort him afterwards._“You heard the story he told?” She cut straight to the point and so Barba did too, simply nodding confirmation. Liv nodded in return and sighed “Just look after him, I think he could do with a friend.”“Shame that he'll have to make do with me then.”“He thinks the world of you, for some reason.” Despite her tiredness and concern, the teasing nature of their own friendship crept in as she patted his shoulder “Goodnight Rafa.”





	Andante, Andante

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of this scene at the end of season18 episode 11 https://youtu.be/dWTRCGlAYFQ but with Barba at the viewing window too. 
> 
> The title Andante, Andante is Italian and comes from a song and a music epression but it translates roughly as slowly, softlly which is how Barba and Carisi move and open up in this. 
> 
> It's my first Barisi fic so please be gentle!!
> 
> Warning: Some use of a homophobic slur in talking about a past incident, talk of homophobic past violence

 

 

Rafael Barba swallowed hard, suddenly feeling as though he shouldn't be watching or listening. The admission Carisi was making to the child in the interrogation room was just too close to the bone, to honest and raw. It wasn't an interrogation tactic, that much was obvious.

 

Carisi's hand tremored just for a moment, the way his face became a picture of pain and self loathing, this was no lie. This was real trauma, real guilt and shame he was laying bare. Dominick Carisi Jr wore his emotions on his sleeve for everyone to see and now more so than ever.

 

Barba felt a pang in his chest for the younger man. He'd long since stopped denying to himself that he felt an attraction to Carisi but this desire to care for and protect over him was newer, born from the moment he'd heard that Carisi had been held hostage at gunpoint all those months ago.

 

Since then, there had been several times when Barba had had to fight the overwhelming urge to hold Carisi tight and give him all the comfort and love he could need. An impulse he fought with every fiber of his being.

  
After all, they were just colleagues. Work friends at a push. Carisi would never want Barba hugging or holding him and if he ever knew that Barba was attracted to him? Had romantic desires and many, many entirely impure thoughts about him? Knowing Barba's luck, Carisi would want to punch him.

 

That was just his own rotten luck. Rafael always fell for the wrong man. The unable or unwilling to commit man in some way and this time it was a straight man. Just brilliant.

 

Not that his luck with women had ever run any better, but at least in all of those instances the issue hadn't been Rafael's gender.

 

Still, in Barba's opinion pining over a younger, straight colleague at his age was just a little pathetic. It was why no one in his life at all knew about the crush, he never spoke of it and tried not to think of it. Sometimes it was easy enough to tuck away in a compartment in his brain and not think about for days or a week and he'd think he was over Sonny Carisi but then something would happen like now and he'd feel a rush of feelings rise so suddenly that it would nearly choke him.

 

Hearing Carisi talk now about some neighbourhood bully pushing his head through plate glass, it felt like someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the room. Barba had had a manslaughter case like that once and so he knew how lucky Carisi was, how if the wrong shard of glass had caught the wrong point on his face or neck then Carisi might never have grown up at all. He, Barba, might never have known him, never crushed on him, never...

 

No. He couldn't think of Carisi as a child, bloody and scared or, worse, bloody and dying. Just as he couldn't think of Carisi with that gun pointed at him. The thought of a world without Carisi in it was something that Barba just couldn't comprehend.

 

 

The child was opening up now. Barba really should remember the boy's name considering the kid was both perp and victim in this case and, had Carisi not changed his mind about testifying to his father's abuse, then Barba would have been the one who would have had to try him as an adult but, nope, the name was gone because all his brain could focus on was the detective.

 

Rollins and Finn were beside him and he was dangerously close to showing emotions that would be difficult to explain away. Blinking furiously for a moment, he then announced to no one in particular that he clearly wouldn't be needed until they arrested the father the next day so he quickly bid them goodnight and started to leave abruptly.

 

Partway through the squad's bullpen though, Barba needed to use someone's desk to steady himself. He'd had a long day of trial prep and hadn't stopped for lunch, that and the gut punch of emotion he'd just experienced was apparently coming to bite him in the ass.

 

Holding onto the desk he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Tried not to think of the battered child that Carisi had been or anything else of the sort.

 

“Counselor?”

 

Carisi sounded less broken up though still tired as well as just plain surprised. Barba hadn't been expected or been asked to show up so he could understand that.

 

Luckily, he had a lot of experience in hiding his little infatuation and even if he hadn't, well, you had to be a pro at masking emotions at the right times in order to prosecute the kinds of crimes he did.

 

Turning around, he smiled at Carisi in greeting. “Detective, I was passing and wanted to check on the status of the case. Back down to family court then, I gather?”

 

Carisi just nodded, apparently still stuck on surprised that Barba was there at all and instead of him answering, Liv's voice called across the squad-room.

 

“Carisi, good work today. Call it a night, it doesn't take us all to arrange tomorrow.”

 

“But Leiu-”

 

“Go Carisi, you've had enough overtime lately as it is.” Olivia's tone was firm, almost stern, but her expression was softer. Rafael was sure that she was concerned for the youngest detective after his reopening of old wounds to help their victim see sense. Olivia Benson was a mother hen at heart for her team. “So take the freedom while it's offered, ok?”

 

Carisi was still seeming hesitant though and even as Barba wondered if there was a reason Sonny didn't want to go home, his mouth offered a solution. Because his mouth just loved to drop him in it like that.

 

“Want to grab a beer?”

 

For a moment both Liv and Carisi were just looking at him with almost matching expressions of shock and Barba was regretting his very existence until somehow, magically, Carisi said

 

“Yes, I mean yeah sure, I'll go grab my stuff.” Carisi looked so grateful that Barba felt bad for even having a hint of ulterior motive (any time spent with the man these days simply fed his infatuation after all).

 

As Carisi busied himself heading off to his locker, Barba found he was still being looked at by a serious looking Olivia.

 

“You heard the story he told?” She cut straight to the point and so Barba did too, simply nodding confirmation. Liv nodded in return and sighed “Just look after him, I think he could do with a friend.”

 

 

“Shame that he'll have to make do with me then.” The snark was part habit and part true. He could hope that Carisi maybe saw him as a friend or at least something more than a colleague but he doubted that very much.

 

Barba knew he was a mentor of sorts to Carisi when he had been still been studying, a period of time that had been real fuel to the fire of Rafael's feelings. It had made sure that simply admiring the shape of an ass or the curve of a smile would turn in to full blown heart beat skipping crush territory. But friends? It wasn't as though he and Carisi ever hung out after court or text one another about literally anything other than work.

 

“He thinks the world of you, for some reason.” Despite her tiredness and concern, the teasing nature of their own friendship crept in as she patted his shoulder “Night Rafa.”

 

“Goodnight Olivia.”

 

Carisi didn't keep him waiting, reappearing moments later in a coat that looked both smart enough to make a good impression (even in Barba's high standards) and warm enough to be useful in New York winter.

  
Whatever the reason, since they'd first met Carisi had been gradually improving more and more in his sense of style and dress which made it only easier for Rafael to enjoy the view. Sometimes he wondered if it was inspired by him, after all Fin had joked more than once that the changes were all to impress Barba but that was taking indulging his wishfulness too far into ridiculousness. Surely.

 

The pair fell into step wordlessly, leaving the building together in a silence that at least wasn't tense even if Rafael's mind was racing.

 

Yes, he always enjoyed spending more time with the object of his affections but if Liv was right and Carisi needed looking after or a shoulder to cry on, well, those weren't exactly strong points for him.

 

Barba was the first to speak, nodding down the block as he asked “One of the usual places?” The nearest bars were by proximity default cop bars, not always the best drinks on offer but if Carisi was planning on just getting drunk...

 

Carisi shook his head immediately though “Nah, nah, not tonight. I need somewhere new, you pick.”

 

Which Rafael took to mean that he wanted some place where no one would know them and there was no risk of being bothered by others. Yeah, Rafael could give him that at least.

 

Roughly half hour and a short uber ride later, and they were sat in a small bar not far from Barba's home. It wasn't overly fancy or anything that would make Carisi uncomfortable, just a intimate place where they could sit in a booth seat and not be disturbed. He'd opened a tab so that Carisi could get as drunk as he needed on Barba's dime and if that wasn't a sign that he was completely far gone for the other man, he didn't know what was.

 

Carisi had been uncharacteristically quiet through most of the journey and drinks ordering process and the silence was unnerving Barba. Carisi was a talker no matter the situation or emotion, this silence just wasn't like him.

 

The silence continued on until they were in a booth in the back of the bar, just the two of them and their respective drinks which was when Carisi finally asked “You heard, yeah?” his eyes where on the beer bottle but it was pretty obvious who he was talking to and Barba wasn't about to play stupid. Not when three words, no matter how tentative sounding, had been so relieving to finally hear.

 

“I did.” He confirmed simply, pausing to sip his scotch and to see if Carisi would elaborate. He didn't.

 

Barba finished his drink before deciding to fill the silence with his own story, open himself up even a little. Usually he had strict rules against such things but this silence and Carisi's obvious shame was killing him. If risking his own embarrassment and shame was the only chance he had to comfort the younger man, he would take it.

 

 

“I had two best friends as a kid. I wasn't scrawny or anything but I was the short, mouthy one. Big surprise, right?” He smiled a little at Carisi but the smile wasn't returned, Carisi was listening but still not making eye contact.

 

“Anyay, there was always just something that marked me out as _different_. Soon enough neighbourhood boys would try to mess with me if I ran into them alone. Eddie used to have to walk me to school, put his arm around me like the great protector while Alex distracted them.”

 

'Different' was Barba playing coy perhaps but, in his experience, a hint like that was enough to get a similarly queer or same-sex attracted person engaged. He had no reason to think Carisi was at all but the hint was there, just in case and if he wasn't, well then he just wouldn't notice anything significant about the word choice.

 

It wasn't shame that made Rafael hold back from being truly candid, it was just he knew that the world wasn't as open minded as people tried to claim. That was proven to him every day to him in court and so he had always kept work and personal matters as separate as humanly possible so that it didn't matter who or what he was other than a damn good ADA.  


And then Carisi had put a fly in that ointment.

 

Carisi was at least looking at him now, listening to Barba's childhood sob story rather than dwelling on his own reopened pain. His blue and oh so expressive eyes ere wide, like he was wondering where Barba was going with it, how could Barba possibly understand him?

 

“I was never thrown through glass or anything but there were times when it got pretty bad and I never told anyone. Not ever.So, if you were worried, there's no judgement from me here. I get it.”

 

Carisi made a strange move, his arms moving forward and then jerking back, his expression first grateful and then suddenly cloudy and uncharacteristically hard to read.

 

It took Barba a little longer than he should have needed to realise that Carisi had moved to reach out to him in some way and then controlled himself, scolded himself.

  
Was he, Barba, so unapproachable that even when he was trying to comfort someone he cared about, that same person didn't even dare touch him?

 

“I get it.” He repeated, reaching out and placing his hand on Carisi's arm gently, breaking the invisible barrier that the younger man thought was between them. “So, if you want to drink til you can't walk then I'm here to get you out safely. You want to talk about it, I'm told I can be a good listener. You want to be distracted and think about anything but that, I'll do what I can there.”

 

The offer was sincere and truly came from a place of caring. Yes, he was horrendously attracted to the man but, first and foremost, Carisi needed him to be a friend right now. Nothing mattered more in that moment than giving Carisi whatever he needed and helping in whatever small way he could with the struggle that he was clearly still wrestling with.

 

Carisi gripped Barba's forearm tight in response, keeping the hand in place and maintaining the contact not that Barba needed to be asked twice. He was always so careful to be utterly professional and non-tactile with Carisi but right now, he couldn't not reach out. Still, there was a line between comforting and using it as an excuse to touch. He just needed to keep his own feelings in check which was easily said than done. Just an innocent touch like this felt like so much more with their eyes locked and Carisi looking at him with pure gratitude.

 

“Thank you. Rafael.” Carisi said his name like he always used it, like it was familiar to the tongue and not the very first time he'd ever addressed Barba as such. It just felt _right_.

 

“Anytime, Sonny.” Rafael felt himself smiling back softly. Their eye contact lasted just a little while longer, so much longer than needed, before Sonny released his arm.

 

There had been a subtle shift between them. Rafael couldn't put his finger on what the shift as exactly but he could feel it for certain.

 

“Some of all of it.” Sonny said before lifting his beer bottle to his lips and drinking. Barba knew it was ridiculous to feel envious of a bottle, and yet here he was. So much so that he took a second to understand that Sonny was responding to his offers of comfort type. “But I don't want to get too drunk, I can't. I have to be there when he's arrested tomorrow. I need to be there.”

 

Rafael just nodded before motioning for another drink to be brought over for each of them despite Sonny having barely touched his yet.

 

He was just starting to wonder if he was supposed to be distracting Sonny from the wallowing when the other man moved closer in the booth, turned to face him fully and began to speak softly. Not so quietly that Barba couldn't hear but just enough to ensure that their conversation was private.

 

“You know, I meant what I said I was the scrawniest kid on my block but it wasn't just that. I've been called faggot for basically as long as I can remember, way before I was anywhere near old enough to figure what it meant or what I was.” Although he'd turned towards Rafael, Sonny again wasn't making eye contact as he spoke. Instead he was peeling off the label of his beer bottle in strips, the paper having grown soggy from condensation running down the bottle.

 

“I know some people say they've known who or what they were since they were a kid but, nah, not me. I was being, being tortured by this kid and his gang for something that I didn't even know if I was or not. I mean, I am but I didn't know that then and it really screwed with my head when I eventually started figuring things out, ya know?”

At the moment of admission, the moment of coming out, Sonny's eyes had darted back to Rafael's to gauge his reaction, hopefully he saw the acceptance and lack of negative reaction and believed it. Rafael figured Sonny must have when the tensed muscles of his shoulders started to unknit and relax a little again.

 

“Some kids are feral fucking animals.” Rafael told him, the swearing seemingly taking Sonny by surprise. No matter the case at hand, when at work Barba was professional but this wasn't work and apparently they were on first name level now so why hold back? Especially on two topics that were guaranteed to make him emotional: homophobic violence and Sonny Carisi being hurt. “It's not on you, not any of it. Just like when he stabbed that man because he wanted to, he did the things he did to you because he wanted to. When someone hates that much so young, I'm not sure there's any saving them.”

 

“That's not showing much faith in our juvenile corrections system, counsellor.” Well, Sonny was teasing him even if the smile and general effort were a little weak. A good sign, he decided.

 

“I'm off the clock,” Rafael reasoned, pausing to thank the waitress who had arrived with drinks and slipping her a tip as she took his empty glass away. “And I take special exception when people I care for are involved.”

 

The caring comment slipped out too easily but it was hard to regret it when Sonny was smiling more now and though it was a shadow of his true smile it was still beautiful. It still made Rafael's heart flutter to know he was responsible for such a reaction.

 

Sonny was queer like him and pleased that Rafael cared for him, if nothing else the evening had given him that. The lines that Barba had been so careful to draw between work and personal life had very much been crossed and yet he didn't care. It was very clear now that if nothing else, they were two of a kind in jobs where they needed to look out for one another. Even if they only ever remained platonic, the dynamics had already been forever changed between them.

 

Which was why Rafael felt he could share now in a way he rarely did with anyone. “My father was a violent man, there's no secret there but the reason why my mother finally threw him out and divorced him was that he turned on me. After he found out about me.”

 

He paused to sip his scotch and pointedly ignored the tiny tremor in his hand, it wasn't easy to drag up old demons even if you'd thought you'd put them to rest years before.

 

“I mostly prefer the word queer when I describe who I am, who I'm attracted to. I've always found beauty in all genders, I say bisexual if it's someone I think won't get it otherwise or if I don't want to have to explain myself too much.” Sometimes it was easier to say bi, not that biphobia wasn't found in all communities but it was more accepted widely as a label. He was queer, he was bi, he was him. That was enough for him, it made sense to him.

 

“Most of the things that my father called me were slurs in Spanish but the one English one was queer. Filthy queer, that was his favourite out of all that 'good' stuff but I've taken it from him. I've made it my own and into something that is beautiful and that I'm proud of. I took the power back. It's taken me so many years and being able to spit on his grave, but I got there.”

 

Sonny was looking at him with wide eyes once more, he was wearing his heart on his sleeve again and he was hurting for Rafael. Rafael often caught himself thinking, worrying really, that Sonny was too empathic at times for SVU. He felt so much for the victims and it cut him up, it cut him deep.  
It was what made him a good detective, what would make him a good ADA eventually, but it was also what could potentially hurt him badly one of these days.

 

“You?” Sonny asked, “You too?”

 

Was he meaning you went through hell too or was he simply surprised that Rafael was attracted to men too? Since both questions had the same answer, asking for clarification seemed moot.

 

“Me.” Rafael nodded simply.

 

Sonny nodded, seeming to be processing the information as his beer disappeared quickly. The first bottle was now nearly empty and entirely labelless. Instead bits of label were in a small pile on the table. Rafael supposed it was a nervous habit considering how tidy Sonny usually was.

 

“Your mom's cool though, if she was on your side?”

 

“She's has always been on my side. 'My son is my son and I love him for it'. I suppose it helped that I was the only one she had. She had to accept me as I am, besides we've always been close. My father hated that, of course, thought that she had made me 'unmanly'.” He rolled his eyes at the memory.

 

Rafael was still close with his mother, both she and his abuela before she had passed had been his sun and moon. All the family he had ever needed and two of the people who were key in the creation of the man he had become so, in that way, perhaps his father was almost right.

 

Rafael shed his suit jacket, the bar was growing busier as time passed and with that, the room was getting warmer. Or maybe it was Sonny sitting so close, the sudden bonding session with his long term infatuation. Or, most likely, option c: all of the above.

 

“Unmanly.” Sonny scoffed, putting his now empty bottle down a little too hard on the table and immediately picking up the fresh second bottle. “You're plenty manly from where I'm sitting. More of a man he ever was, beating on his wife and his kid like that.”

 

Sonny complimenting his manliness definitely flattered Rafael even though generally he tried not to concern himself with gender stereotyping like that.

 

“That last time, the reason my mother kicked him out, I was fifteen and things had been calmer for a while. I'd been dating a nice catholic Cuban girl but we were teens and she broke it of for whatever reason. On the rebound I ended up making out with a guy I knew from school, I'd invited him over to study or something. My father came home early and caught us.”

 

When Rafael paused it was to steel himself to continue the story and not for dramatic effect. He wasn't putting on a performance to swing a jury in his favour during closing, he was sharing something with Sonny that he had never shared with anyone. Not Alex or Eddie or even Liv, not anyone.

 

Sonny had drawn in a breath sharply, his hand suddenly closing around Rafael's on the table. Warm and grounding and holding his hand like it was the most natural thing in the world “What did he do?”

 

“He went crazy, I managed to get the boy out quickly but then it was just the two of us and my father was so angry. He was yelling, punching and shaking me, my head hit the wall and I don't remember much more. I woke up in hospital a total mess. Bruises and cuts everywhere, broken wrist and cracked skull. One eye was closed up and for a while they thought I might need an operation to fix my jaw. When the cops came to talk to me though, I lied. I said a stranger got in somehow. I knew they didn't believe me but I just couldn't tell them.”

 

“And that was when your mom kicked him out?”

 

Rafael nodded, noticing that when the girl returned to clear away empties and give them each a fresh drink that Sonny didn't pull his hand away. Despite the past, he wasn't shy to be seen as gay in public now and that made a spark of pride light in Rafael's chest. Discretion and closets in their work life might be needed but they deserved a little chance of happiness and pride, didn't they? Even if there was no romance behind the touch.

 

“I like your mom already. Then again, she raised you so she must be a hell of a woman.” Sonny decided, making Rafael's eyebrows shoot up.

 

“Flattery, detective? You've already thanked me for the help in your work to pass the bar.” A very nice bottle of wiskey, even though Rafael had insisted that Sonny had passed because of his own determination but that wasn't how Sonny saw it and it was so hard to say no to the man.

 

“I've always admired you, I'm not the most subtle guy, right? But hearing this, what you went through? Look at you now, Barba, you help the victims find their justice. You more than survived, you've thrived.”

 

It was just Sonny's usual hero worship, Rafael had to remind himself. Hand-holding not withstanding, this wasn't really much different from any other time the younger man had enthused about Rafael and his talents. It was admiration, nothing more.

 

It was hard to tell his heart that though because he had to be crushing like a teen on the sweetest guy going, didn't he? And right now his heart was pounding hard in his chest.

 

Somehow, despite the dry mouth and pounding heart, he managed to reply without leaving an awkwardly long pause between them. A fact that Rafael noted to himself with pride.

 

“I guess but then, you're the same. Before today I never would have guessed what you'd been through if you hadn't told me. As a detective, you know how important your work is and your potential for the future now you've passed the bar.” He ultimately said, doing his best to brush off the surge of feelings for Sonny.

 

As he spoke though, Rafael's eyes roamed over Sonny's face looking for signs of scarring though how he would have missed such a thing when he'd so often studied Sonny's gorgeous face he had no idea.

 

Sonny, rather than responding to the words, answered the question in his searching eyes and told him “I was lucky, a few little scars on my neck that aren't too noticeable and the uglier scarring is hidden by my hair. Just gotta pray I never go bald.”

 

Rather than simply indicating where the scars were, Sonny guided Rafael's hand to feel them. It was hard to enjoy the moment because, despite the fact that he was running his fingers through his infatuation's hair, it was simply to highlight a raised and nasty feeling scar followed by a second larger one. That pretty much killed the moment right there.

 

“Christ.” Rafael breathed, horrified at the damage that he'd never known had been right there all along. He didn't pull his hand away though, not wanting Sonny to mistake the horror that he had been so injured for revulsion that he was scarred in such a way.

 

“We all have scars right?” Sonny's shoulders lifted into a small shrug and Rafael understood the desire to minimise even in the face of evidence. It made it easier to live with.

 

“I know I do,” He agreed, voice soft as he thought of both the physical and mental scars he carried through life. “But they've made me the man I am today.” His fingers left Carisi's hair slowly, lightly brushing past the younger man's neck and settling on the dark leather of the booth seat behind him.

 

“Mmm, I know it's why I became a cop and why I studied law. I wanted to be an ADA like you. Exactly like you, want to take on hate crimes and challenge the toxic bullshit society that has kids beating on other kids for who they might love in the future, has dad's beating the crap outta their sons.” When Carisi spoke so passionately, Barba was always taken aback by the admiration and awe he would feel for the other man. Rafael was jaded long before he became an ADA but Carisi? Somehow in all the darkness that the work surrounded them in, Carisi was still so hopeful.  

It was enough to relight the fire in Rafael on days when a hard case was getting to him. It was almost enough to make him lean in and kiss Carisi. Almost.

 

Instead he told Sonny “When my mother kicked him out, it wasn't the end of it. We ended up going to court for harassment , stalking and threats. My first time in courts was giving evidence against my father, I still didn't talk about what he did to me or why though, I just couldn't. After that I sat in the courtroom everyday and I couldn't take my eyes off the man prosecuting for us.”

 

Sonny nodded for a moment, his expression was still more serious than Rafael ever usual saw it and so the question that came was so startling that it had him choking on his scotch.

 

“Great ass?”

 

It took a few moments for Rafael to recover from the burning sensation of having gotten alcohol up his nose but once he had, he shot Carisi a highly unimpressed look. "Was that really necessary?"

That had Sonny smiling, really and truly smiling for more than a fleeting moment though it did ultimately diminish again. “M sorry.” He really didn't sound it though.

 

“I highly doubt that.” He drained the last of his drink and then discarded the glass on the table and turned his full attention back to Sonny. “Watching him in the courtroom, getting the conviction and using the law as his weapon. That inspired me.”

 

“I get that, I do.” Sonny nodded, the way he leaned back into the booth, Rafael's arm was all but around his shoulders now. “When I watch you.”

 

For a few seconds, Rafael's brain short-circuited and he was only able to stare at Sonny in surprise before trying to joke the moment away with “My ass?”

 

And it was Sonny's turn for shock, apparently choking on his beer as Rafael smirked triumphantly that he had gotten his revenge. Sonny, however, seemed to recover a lot quicker than he had. “Sometimes. But usually it's the impressive lawyering.”

“Lawyering?” 

“It's a word...now.” Sonny's real smile had made a reappearance and it was heart-stoppingly beautiful if you asked Rafael. Sonny's tongue darted out, wetting his lips and Rafael couldn't tear his gaze away until Sonny yet again shocked him. “Can't blame a boy for staring though, Rafael. You gotta know how great your ass looks in those suits you wear. I mean, I ain't much of a top but if you asked I'd be there in a flash.”

The words were too good to be true, Sonny suddenly expressing attraction to him. Sure, he now knew Sonny was queer but that didn't mean he was interested in older men. There had to be a catch, another punchline.  
  
Rafael's natural pessimism took firm control “Very funny, Carisi. A bit overboard for retaliation over a 'nice ass' joke though so- mmmmph.”

 

There were suddenly lips on his, insistent and firm as they kissed him. Carisi was kissing him. Carisi kissing him. Sonny Carisi was kissing him. It was like a neon sign flashing in his brain.

 

By the time the shock wore off enough to for Rafael to realise that he should be kissing back though, Sonny was pulling away and looking suddenly serious and pale.

 

“Shit, shit, _shit_ , Barba I- I thought, I'm sorry I shouldn't have, I mean-”

 

Rather than waste time on more words that could be misunderstood or passed off as humour, it was Rafael's turn to lean in. This kiss was slower and softer, less desperate and more affirming that _yes_ of course he wanted whatever Carisi wanted. And, no, he wasn't insulted by Carisi's less than smooth advance.

 

Pulling back from the kiss, he stayed close and stroked Carisi's cheek. “Maybe hold this thought til a sober time.” He said, knowing he had to be the responsible one even if the urge to just kiss and kiss Sonny forever was strong.

 

“Sober? I've had, like, one and a half beers. No consent issue here.” Carisi insisted though and, of course, given their work that was his first thought and Rafael couldn't deny that that issue had crossed his mind too. “Barba, Rafael, I've wanted to kiss you like that for, I dunno, forever it feels like. Just didn't think you'd want it too.”

 

Not want it? That wasn't something Rafael could ever comprehend though, he supposed, since they'd both been closeted not too long ago it was an assumption the sort of made sense.

 

Before he could find his voice on that though, Sonny was talking again.

 

“I guess taking me to your bed and having your wicked way with me probably wasn't Liv's idea when she asked you to play sitter for me tonight though, huh?”

 

Rafael's brow creased just a little “You think I'm only here because of Liv?” Sonny's expression confirmed it was exactly what he though. “I asked you for a drink because you looked like you needed one, no one needs to tell me to look out for you or to care.”

 

“And I do care,” Rafael continued because apparently tonight was one for all the candid reveals. “And I might have had a few thoughts in the way of kissing you too. Occasionally.” Ok, mostly candid. He didn't want to seem too desperate after all.

 

“Yea?” Despite the fact that they had literally just been kissing, Sonny almost looked surprised and that brilliant real smile was there again. The one that made Rafael weak at the knees and drop his guard. Damn him.

 

Not waiting for Rafael to reply, Sonny started leaning in again and despite every fibre in his body screaming at him for it, Rafael turned his head away.

 

“Maybe we should get out of here? My place is just down the block.” He suggested instead, only realising the suggestive implications of his words when he watched Carisi's open book of emotions run from confusion to surprise to nervous interest.

 

“Wait, no. I didn't mean get out of here as in ' _get out of here'_ ,” He corrected himself, sending Carisi back to the confused expression again. “But any half decent defence attorney could get a hold of a photo of us right now and get almost every case I have thrown out on conflict of interest. My place is private and quieter, somewhere we could talk more or share another drink or...” His eyes couldn't stay away from Sonny's lips any longer. Like a starving man who'd had a few crumbs, he craved more.

 

“Right, right of course.” 

 

Once decision was made, they moved quickly. Abandoning their drinks and the small pile of decimated beer label in echange for something new and exciting. Sonny seemed just as unable to resist now too if the hand lingering on the small of Rafael's back as he closed their tab was anything to go by. And the hand holding as they walked down the block.

 

“I picked that place in case you wanted to drink yourself to oblivion, I couldn't exactly support a drunk Sonny too far.” He told the other man, his heart still doing double time with the innocent hand to hand contact they had going. The thrill of using Carisi's first name had him smiling too because, yep, he was that pathetic about Sonny. It was just the new intimacy, the taking away for barriers that both the contact and the first names represented. It was something he had never allowed himself to even imagine happening. And yet here it was.

 

“Ah, don't sell yourself short. You're pretty fit and able, I bet you could handle me.” Out of habit, Rafael dismissed the innuendo in Sonny's words but when he looked and saw Sonny's smirk, he rethought his stance. Not so innocent after all.

 

“Now, now, detective, when did I ever imply I couldn't handle you?” He asked, an eyebrow arched and smirking right back until Sonny's cheeks seem to flush a little. Oh that was sweet, both the petty revenge and the effect he could have on the younger man.

 

He took that moment to lead them into his building, it was a decent enough place but nothing overly fancy. Rafael preferred to indulge in other areas of life like his clothes and nights out, his living space didn't worry him too much so long as he was comfortable.

 

The second they were inside the elevator and his floor button was pressed, before the doors had even closed, Rafael found himself pulled flushed against Sonny.

 

“Hey there.” Sonny grinned down at him, hands now on either side of Rafael's face.

 

Ordinarily, Rafael didn't think of himself as a making out in the elevator like a teen kind of a guy but the twin feelings of scotch for dinner and finally, _finally_ , getting to know what kissing Sonny Carisi was like had him carried away.

 

The journey up to the sixth floor wasn't long and yet they somehow managed to cram so much into it. Hands were inside open coats and roaming, exploring in ways they hadn't dared to during the tentative and sweet kisses in the bar. Now the kisses were all open mouth, teeth clashing and tongues moving together as they groaned. Messy and eager and not perfect at all which made them utterly perfect.

 

Barba lost his grasp on time and they were both so wrapped up in each other that they barely noticed when the doors were opening on Rafael's floor. At least not until they heard surprised gasps and giggles and hastily broke apart just a little, turning to the noise.

 

When he saw who it was, he froze for a moment in horror.

 

It was two young girls from the apartment opposite his. Tina and Sherri were teenage twins on the verge of heading off to college. A few months ago their mother had asked him to talk them through applying to Harvard, they were bright girls and well brought up but suddenly finding their middle aged neighbour in a gay embrace could change that.

 

“Hi, Mr Barba.” One of them (he'd never been good at telling them apart) said with a smile, no venom or judgement apparent as Rafael managed to start breathing again and he and Sonny disembarked the elevator with varying amounts of embarrassment.

 

The other twin added a cheeky “You've got good taste, Mr Barba.” as she slipped past them.

 

“I guess I do.” Rafael sent a grin to Sonny and then looked to the girls. Both were made up like they were having a girls night, they were young and excited. He should feel pleased for them that they were enjoying life but inevitably he was thinking of a recent case when he said “Enjoy yourselves and stay safe ok? Look out for each other.”

 

The girls both nodded, used to his serious warnings, though one of them giggled a “You guys stay safe too!” as the doors closed.

 

At which point Rafael covered his face with a hand “Oh my God.”

 

His mortification only started to faded when he realised that beside him, Sonny was laughing. Biting his lip and trying not to but still laughing all the same.

 

God, the man was beautiful.

 

“So glad I can bring you such amusement.” He said, smirking and rolling his eyes a little but there was no bite to the snark at all.

 

“They seem like nice girls. You'll be in for a grilling next time they see you?”

 

“Undoubtedly.” As he unlocked his front door, Rafael could feel Sonny's hand on his back again.

 

There was something so natural in the touch, like they'd always been this way and not just had a series of revelations in a bar. It felt right, good.

 

Once inside, he used the moment in which they were shedding their winter coats and scarves to say.

 

“We should slow down a little maybe, order food. Uh, I dunno make out on the couch a little.” Because his will power could only stretch so far and watching Sonny looking at him with desire was a new kind of intoxicating of his own.

 

“Can't we just skip right to dessert?” Sonny asked, coming closer again. He'd taken off his suit jacket leaving him in a white shirt still rolled up to the elbows ( _always_ a good look on a man), a black and white tie that had been loosened only enough to pop open the top button and a silver tie clip that Rafael recognised as the secret santa gift he'd given to Sonny the winter before. He didn't know if Sonny knew he'd been the one to gift it, he'd never indicated he knew but still, seeing that he was wearing it now made Barba smile.

 

“The cheesy line is excused on account of the excellent outfit choice.” He told the younger man, running his hands over Sonny's chest appreciatively. “But I have had nothing but coffee and scotch since breakfast so, yeah, food is needed.”

 

“Ah, ok, works for me.” Sonny suddenly being onboard with the plan had Rafael looking up at him with narrowed eyes for a moment before he came to the conclusion.

 

“You thought I was fussing?”

 

“Well, yeah I mean between what I told you and everything else, I was thinking maybe you saw me different. Like a victim, you know? And I'm not that, it was a long time ago.” Sonny leaned against the back of the couch and folded his arms, gaze serious and imploring.

 

Rafael knew he had to get a few things straight, so to speak, before anything went any further.

 

“The only thing that's changed is we both know a little more of each others past. We've both had crap thrown at us and it's made us stronger, I don't see any shame or victimhood here. Just a man that I've privately admired for quite some time who I now also know is a hell of a kisser.”

 

Sonny's serious expression finally cracked, his hands reaching out across the small distance between them to trace the edge of Rafael's braces lightly. “Hell of a kisser, huh?”

 

“Oh, so you were listening. Good.”

 

“I'm always listening to you Raf, well, apart from the times when I'm staring at your ass.” Sonny leaned in closer but not all the way, still perched as he was on the back of the couch it meant that their heights weren't quite as dramatically different as usual.

 

“My ass again. You certainly seem to have a fixation.” As he spoke he moved closer and Sonny's thighs parted naturally to accommodate him.

 

“Well, your ass, your lips. You're a very distracting man. I can't help myself.” Sonny's fingertips were still tracing up and down Rafael's suspenders as he spoke, his eyes now locked with Barba's and it was the sincerity as much as the flirtation in Sonny's words and expression that got him.

 

Sonny was younger than him and could arguably have anyone he wanted and yet he was making it very clear that Rafael was who he wanted. They had been craving one another from inside their respective professional closets and somehow never noticed the other, no matter how much they had wanted one another. Pessimism, perhaps, or fear had prevented them from seeing signs.

 

“You know, it's a miracle I passed the bar at all with a walking distraction like you around all the time.”

 

“And it'll be a miracle if we manage to order dinner with the distraction you're being now.” Rafael teased, smiling. Their faces were so close now, as they had been back in the bar, he could smell Sonny's cologne and the scent of beer on his breath.

 

Rafael couldn't hold back any longer, leaning forward to crush his lips against Sonny's. Less chaste than the restaurant but also less desperate than the elevator, the perfect in-between of tender but intense. And Sonny being temporarily closer in height made it easier to kiss him without Rafael needing to crane his neck or otherwise make himself uncomfortable. He'd never had an issue with his height before but Carisi did tower over him. Luckily, Carisi was also considerate beyond comprehension and seemed to realise this in the way he kept himself stooped down.

 

Rafael only pulled back as he felt Sonny pulling his cell phone out of his pant's pocket.

“What do you think you're doing, detective?” He teased, nipping at Sonny's lower lip. He was a little curious but largely unbothered by the poor attempt at pick-pocketing, he had better things to focus on like the sounds that rose up in Sonny's throat when Rafael nipped at him.

 

“Well, one of us has to be responsible and order food, right?” Sonny said, his cheeks were a little flushed and Rafael was pretty sure that he wasn't the only one having to show restraint as Sonny opened an app and started placing an order.

 

It wasn't unusual for them to order food together with the shadowing Carisi had done for his law degree and the times they worked on cases until late together. Sometimes there was no real reason Carisi was there other than, apparently, wanting to learn more and see how Barba prepared his various cases. Rafael had taken the excuse (which he could now see had been pretty flimsy at times) at face value, believing Carisi to be straight meant he didn't allow himself to even hope for ulterior motives. Perhaps, in hindsight, he could now say that this self preservation streak had kept him completely oblivious.

 

Still, the fact that Sonny so casually picked up Rafael's phone and ordered food for the both of them, Rafael liked that.

 

“Ok, be here in like 40 mins. Can you think of anything we could be doing meantime?”

 

That Carisi had apparently recalled Barba's password and order was both sort of sweet and another glaring sign that maybe he had been a little dense lately, apparently.

 

“One track mind.” Rafael accused as Sonny discarded his phone and then reached out again, using the suspenders to pull Rafael flush against him once more.

 

 


End file.
